Bolsheviks Strike Back!!!

Don't live off of a guide. Now I've heard it, and I'm sorry to say I'm guilty of saying it, but travelers are religious people that believe whole-heartedly in the Bible. Not The Bible, but something just as thick, usually...Lonely Planet. I'm speechless now, fingers trembling, half-expecting doomsday in denying Lonely Planet the status of king of kings - but, hush now, Lonely Planet doesn't get it right half the time. Yikes. Ignore its generosity in deflating lackluster guesthouses' high-season (let alone low season) room prices for the economy admittedly changes. Ignore its inability to program distances within the correct area-code after all the Earth moves. Ignore its peculiar lust for detestable food for tongues vary person to person. Even ignore the "stamp" those damn recommendations do to humble minded business men (let's call it the 20% price hike) because every man needs to eat his bread...but come on Keralan backwater houseboat tour a thing to do before I die?!?!?! "Worth every darn rupee"?!?!?! Lonely Planet humble yourself.
It's hard to throw your back to a top 20 activity in the world's most honored travel guide, but it's harder to stomach throwing money into the stagnant waste of Keralan backwater. I'm being dramatic. On a tight budget, when you spend big you expect big. The Keralan backwater tour took place upon one of the many rice barges converted into beautifully furnished houseboats. We took the chance on a 24hr tour expecting a tour rivalling Marlow's slip into the insanity of Africa. Well maybe no diamond scout to rescue, but wilds, jungle's wilds. Instead of little Mowgli's running to shore eyeing the oddity of a couple of albino's we got a rather open crowd of homosexual Indian ravers. Instead of uncharted waterways of a unique adventure we were passed by day tour trips in a motorboat and I heard more traffic on the backwater than in Delhi. We even spotted men constructing another houseboat for like suckers. I wanted tigers jumping from the bush, not flamers dropping their pants. Oh, did I mention we traveled 3km in 24 hours?
Complaining aside, the experience was pleasant enough, quaint, not adventuresome and yes my ego is aching. The rooms on board were nicer than any guesthouse we've stayed at. The food was tasty and fresh. I understand that no motor on the boat limits distance, but the two men (bow and aft) with 30ft bamboo poles, known as punters, looked healthy enough to distance us the promised 15km. The aforementioned, punters, were our main outlet of entertainment. They gracefully wave those poles left to right, gently shoving them to the bottom of the river, there-by being our source of...momentum, if that's what 3km in 24hrs can be described as. All above aside and the sweltering jungle heat/humidity forgotten, I spotted some nice water fowl and even braved a top floor jump into the "water". I'm alive. It didn't help that the two people we paired with were spouting their complaints for tea conversations. We always drank tea. We always entertained negativity. Houseboating the backwaters of Kerala is pleasant enough business I suppose, but I recommend the writers of Lonely Planet to find some life and not worry about changing their Depends.

7 hour public bus from the mosquito sanctuary known as Fort Cochin (they did have an area of town called Jew Town and, yes, Jew Street ran down the middle of it. No I'm not kidding and yes it happened to be the only place we went to where budget travel wasn't possible and the bloodsucking mosquitoes clouded our vision. Gentilian conspiracy? joking!)

Now after that bus ride we found ourselves in the southern mountains in tea town, Munnar. More my style. I never knew what tea fields looked like, but imagine rolling mountains covered in 3ft high bushes. Sounds pretty lame. I assure it's not. Rather amazing, actually. Misha and I were with our happy friends for this part too, but here we found more pleasantries, though notably less tea drunken...hmmm, funny, right? Every day at around 3pm Munnar welcomes in monsoon like rain for nearly an hour and the display is breathtaking. We first found shelter in a travel agency. There a man with the bright idea of selling chai by motorbike arrived with poncho and we drank tea. Very nice. The full day there we decided on ignoring the rickshaw/tuk-tuk drivers guaranteeing us the best sights to see for a cheap price for our own hiking tour. We made way to the aptly named view point, View Point, and some hidden waterfalls. Nice hike, we even roughed it, by semi-illegally tramping the paths between those precious tea plants on some rich guy's plantation. Sticking it to the man is what I do. Sure the angry farmer had a word for us when we escaped the mazes after 5 hrs, but it was some dialect in Hindu and we were too tired and and ignorant to care. We didn't kill any plants but I did have half a mind to get a fire going and brew some fresh tea...no kettle, dammit.
Anyway, Munnar was great for further whetting my appetite for Darjeeling - bigger, taller, more tea. We ended up there because the animal reserve we planned to go to was closed due to some "fire" but it was a great detour and a happy end to a rather unpleasing Keralan experience.

One interesting bit of info, Kerala is the only place in the world where socialism is practiced successfully. Yes, the Democratic country of India hosts the happily Socialist state of Kerala, a Socialist government elected Democratically of course...I don't know how it works.

After 24hrs of public buses we ended up in Hampi and I'll write about the samisha downfalls of that, shortly...